13 Ways to Spice Up General Conference
How to make General Conference a better, more entertaining experience for all Latter-day Saints.
Every six months, the eyes of millions of Latter-day Saints worldwide turn to Salt Lake City to watch General Conference; however, sometime between the rest hymn and the closing prayer of the Saturday afternoon session, half of those eyes become more interested in the back of their eyelids than the straight-laced Seventy pulling a gospel lesson out of his family’s recent summer vacation.
Only the most devout Latter-day Saints can truthfully say they have never fallen asleep during conference. For the rest of us, there is room for improvement. As conference approaches, here are thirteen things General Conference can do to prepare and adapt to become a more wholesome, engaging spiritual experience for all Latter-day Saints:
1. Implement Virtual Backgrounds: Nothing soothes tired eyes to sleep better than staring at the same mountain of bouquets and wooden pulpit speaker after speaker, year after year (no offense President Hinckley’s tree). Why not mix it up by stealing a play from the pandemic playbook and implement Zoom backgrounds? Each speaker would choose their own virtual background: an important church history landmark, something referenced in their talk, a scenic view of their native country. Plus, members’ tithes wouldn’t have to go towards buying half of the flowers in Salt Lake County twice a year.
2. Make Sunday Conference Sessions Mandatory: Every Latter-day Saint at some point in their lives must decide whether the Saturday sessions are mandatory viewing or not. Christian church on a Saturday has never been the most appealing idea, especially when the Final Four competes for Nielsen ratings with Priesthood Session every April. Conference weekend would be less complicated if Sunday sessions were declared mandatory and Saturday sessions made optional. Or even better, the Saturday sessions could be reserved for those wanting to obtain celestial glory while Sunday sessions could be aimed at those planning on settling for the Terrestial Kingdom.
3. Invite Experts from Varying Fields to Speak: Us Latter-day Saints are a faithful bunch—so faithful that many Latter-day Saints expect General Authorities to be experts in not just spiritual matters but in matters of mental health, sex education, history, matchmaking, politics, and dietary matters as well. To ease the pressure on the brethren (and sistren too), experts of various fields can bring their knowledge to the conference podium. Maybe invite a historian to teach us about the implementation and interpretation of the Word of Wisdom over the years. Or maybe a practicing gynecologist to speak about the merits of yearly OB/GYN checkups for women. Or maybe a social scientist to finally teach church members the difference between sex and gender. The possibilities for uniting spiritual and ‘worldly’ knowledge are endless!
This beautiful background image and man of God, Elder Kazuhiko Yamashita of the Seventy in front of cherry blossoms from his native Japan, could be gracing your television in the next General Conference.
4. Allow Speakers to Use Their Native Language: The most engaging part of General Conference is hearing Elder Holland fervently pour his heart out in testimony or listening to President Eyring’s voice quiver as a single tear glides down his face. Non-English speakers around the world don’t experience these captivating moments of emotion and spiritual force; instead, they listen to the same three or four fairly monotone translators for the whole ten hours of General Conference. Until the majority of church members are faithful enough to competently use the gift of tongues, letting each speaker talk in their native language would energize drowsy non-English speaking members who rarely hear general church leaders speak their native language.
5. Increase Diversity: An exciting trend over the past two decades has been the increase of speakers from various countries around the world. Church leaders from Zimbabwe, Japan, and Bolivia are now adding their experiences and testimonies to leaders from Ogden, Orem, and Vernal. Now is a perfect time to increase the diversity of speakers beyond just their country of origin. Assigning speakers of various socio-economic standings, sexual orientations, gender identities, physical abilities, ages, and marital statuses (yes, never-married Mormon men over fifty exist) would expand the experiences and viewpoints that members are privy to in official church settings.
6. Allow Third-Party Betting: General Conference is one of the church’s greatest missionary tools, drawing the interest of numerous non-members throughout the world. To increase the missionary potential of this bi-annual event, we should follow the lead of other yearly television events and allow third-party betting for General Conference. Betting would draw compulsive gamblers to the messages from our living prophets and provide church members with a chance to more actively participate in conference weekend. Imagine how alert and attentive Saints would be to every word if they’ve bet a month’s worth of tithing money that more than ten speakers will quote The Family Proclamation throughout conference weekend!
The unofficial betting lines for October 2020 Latter-day Saint General Conference.
7. Insert More Object Lessons: The most memorable conference talks always have an illustrative parable, a funny story, or a flashy graphic. To fully emulate the Savior’s example as a perfect teacher, speakers can take it a step further by incorporating object lessons into their conference talks. A speaker filling up a jar with sand and rocks live at the podium to teach the importance of prioritizing God’s work would both powerfully drive home their message and appeal to Primary aged children and those with short attention spans.
8. Institute a Post-Sustaining Discussion: Have you ever wondered why someone would take all the time and energy to get a conference ticket just to yell OPPOSED during the sustaining of church leaders? Well, here is your chance! Of course, a slight time delay should be implemented just-in-case an apostate hurls the devil’s language at our innocent children. But who knows, maybe both church leaders and members on all parts of the covenant path will learn a thing or two from others’ feelings and experiences inside the church.
9. Live-Stream Congregations During Church Sustainings: Sometimes, church members fail to recognize the solemnity of sustaining church General Authorities as God’s living mouthpieces. Far too many Saints participate in this holy occasion sprawled across their couch in tattered, stained garments while struggling to amass the energy needed to raise their right hand at an exact 90-degree angle at the proper time. (A mere second delay could mean the difference between a SUSTAINED and an OPPOSED.) Livestreams of congregations from around the world in their Sunday best displayed at the bottom of the screen would remind Saints of the holiness of their bi-annual spiritual duty to sustain their church leaders. Perhaps these live-streamed congregations will also persuade these members to at least put on a pair of gym shorts when participating in the next Solemn Assembly.
Forcing members to quiver with fear over whether they will be called to speak in the subsequent General Conference will keep them glued to the TV with religious fervor unbeknownst since pioneer days.
10. Call On Ordinary Members to Speak: In the good ‘ole days of General Conference, Brother Brigham would regularly call unsuspecting Saints on missions half-way across the world. Calling upon ordinary members to speak at the upcoming General Conference would bring back that edge of your seat excitement of pioneer days. This talk lottery would occur every conference during the Sunday afternoon session when the First Presidency would draw two lucky winners out of a lottery of full-tithe payers worldwide. Each winner would have six months to prepare a ten-minute talk for the next General Conference. A load of blessings, and a voucher for your travel, wait in store for your service!
11. Sponsor Gospel Debates: Despite having fifteen apostles, seventy plus other priesthood leaders, and various auxiliary leaders, it seems like every speaker in General Conference agrees on basically every aspect of the gospel. That doesn’t leave much room for drama in this must-watch ten-hour, bi-annual television extravaganza. To give members a more nuanced and diverse understanding of gospel principles, each conference two members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles would debate opposing theological claims and assertions. The first debate should focus on justice versus mercy, with President Oaks arguing for justice and Elder Uchtdorf arguing for mercy (my money’s on Uchtdorf).
12. Implement Devil Advocate Talks: Many General Conference speakers pride themselves on constantly repeating the basic principles of the gospel that members have heard time and time again. Implementing “Devil’s Advocate Talks” that tackle a gospel principle or church belief in a different or unorthodox angle would add more variety in the messages shared in General Conference. Elder Cook could speak on the medicinal properties of tea and coffee while Elder Christofferson could share the research on modern, non-monogamous marriage relationships. Members would either learn exactly how Satan the father of lies works or discover a nugget or two of additional truth found outside of the Latter-day Saint tradition that can be added to their testimony.
13. Give President Nelson More Airtime: President Nelson’s revelation bonanza — setting into motion worldwide correlated Sunday School curriculum, 11-year-old deacons, less sexist temple ordinances, and two-hour church among other things — has brought an air of unprecedented excitement to conference weekend. Every member awaits President Nelson’s addresses to hear what possibly could be announced next. While some doubt that he can continue this high pace of revelation, especially after last conference’s lackluster logo change announcement, any Latter-day Saint wouldn’t miss the chance to see revelation happen in real-time. While it’s not quite our business to ask God to shower down some more earthshaking revelation for us and the church, we can at least do our part and ask for no less than one talk per session from our man President Nelson to increase the chances of receiving more divine intervention.