I Am a Mormon

Reclaiming Mormon identity provides an opportunity for those with varying levels of engagement with religion to share their unique experiences under the banner of Mormonism.

In his first year as president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Russell M. Nelson sent waves through the Mormon community when he announced an emphasis on members and the media using the full name of the church. In his October 2018 General Conference address, he stated that “the name of the church [The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints] is not negotiable… and if we allow nicknames to be used or adopt or even sponsor those nicknames ourselves, [Christ] is offended.” Since his announcement, lds.org has become churchofjesuschrist.org, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has become the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square, and numerous members have scrambled to include the full name of the church in their social media bios and everyday language.

I was a BYU student at the time and remember having a heated discussion in elders quorum over the church president’s new direction shortly after his conference address. We questioned if we could simply say we were Latter-day Saints instead of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Could we still use Mormon as an adjective? Did we only need to worry about spouting out the full name of the church around non-members as a missionary tool? Would the chair of Mormon history at BYU have to add the nine-word-long full name of the church to their title? As a quorum, we never reached any satisfactory answers before the bell rang for sacrament meeting to begin.

In the weeks following, it became apparent that everyone had different approaches to applying the new church directive. Some continued to use words like LDS and Mormon, carrying on as if nothing happened. Others saw it as a badge of honor to interrupt others mid-conversation and remind their peers they should say “member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints” instead. Several of my friends treated it as a joke, trying to shoehorn the full name of the church into the most unnecessary instances.

For me, there was no need to fret over using the church’s full name. In Provo, I could just say “the church” and everyone knew what I was talking about. When describing myself, however, I had a difficult time committing to stop using the word Mormon. I had always described myself as a Mormon and took it as a great pride: my Mormon heritage, my Mormon jokes, my Mormon beliefs, even my Mormon way of life. Mormon encapsulated a welcoming image to outsiders of friendly service-oriented neighbors, spritely young missionaries waving happily on their bikes, and Christ-loving Jell-O enthusiasts.

In an attempt to follow the spirit of the new church directive and partially to ward off those overzealously eager to remind any ‘Mormons’ of the prophet’s exact words, I reluctantly settled on calling myself a Latter-day Saint. Clocking in at four syllables (two more than Mormon), Latter-day Saint fit much more naturally into the conversation than reciting the church’s full name. I hoped the Latter-day part would differentiate between the various Christian sects and that the Saint part would highlight my belief in Christ’s active presence in my life.

Despite all my effort to avoid the dreaded M—word, Latter-day Saint never really fit me. First off, those outside the faith never understood what Latter-day Saint referred to until I said we used to be called Mormons. On a personal level, I felt uncomfortable with how prominent Latter-day was, wanting to distance myself from the vengeful imagery of a Second Coming cleansing. Latter-day Saint became a cold, calculated term signifying my pathetic attempt to evangelize others instead of choosing a term that comfortably described my own unique culture and idiosyncratic beliefs.

After I stopped attending Latter-day Saint services this past year, the term Latter-day Saint became completely obsolete for me. No longer duty-bound to Latter-day Saint orthodoxy, I found myself asking the same question I had previously: What should I call myself?

The options for me became even less flattering on the other end of my faith transition: former member, ex-Mormon, post-Mormon. All the available terms were too focused on what I wasn’t instead of who I was or what I value. Each term seemed intent to frame my relationship with the authority of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints instead of my relationship to the broad, diverse world of Mormon culture, history, and thought.

While I had rejected many beliefs and norms advocated by the church of my youth, I still wanted to embrace the good in my culture and emphasize the positive and negative aspects of the experiences I had growing up in the church that have shaped me. Ironically, in this desire to reclaim a right to determine my beliefs and life choices, I’ve circled back to using the term Mormon to describe myself.

When I reluctantly traded in my lifelong Mormon moniker for Latter-day Saint to align with church leaders, I hoped my sacrifice made me a more legitimate and worthy member of my faith community. Now I sometimes worry that my new personal beliefs that run contrary to Latter-day Saint doctrine somehow disqualify me from identifying as Mormon. Previously, I felt guilty for wanting to keep being Mormon, worried I was not committed enough to the church because I valued the shared culture as much as or more than my faith’s religious tenets. Now I hope that by using Mormon to describe myself, I can capture my gratitude for many aspects of my earlier years while leaving space for my beliefs and views that differ from the current teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Of course, describing myself as a Mormon confuses those in and outside of the faith community. I sometimes reluctantly throw post-, cultural, or agnostic in front of Mormon to clarify. But I don’t want to have to quantify my Mormon-ness. I am who I am largely because of my unique experiences with Mormon doctrine and culture. Just because my Mormon experience led me to different conclusions and an alternative life trajectory compared to orthodox Latter-day Saints, I am no less Mormon than a temple-recommend-holding member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Identity isn’t about changing yourself to live up to others’ expectations but embracing all parts of your personality no matter what other people think. There should be no gatekeepers who determine who can be Mormon and what it takes to be one. Has your life been significantly impacted by the teachings and stories in the Book of Mormon or from a church and culture connected to Joseph Smith? Congratulations, you are a Mormon. No further questions or asterisks needed.

I no longer attend weekly services. I religiously follow BYU sports. I don’t believe the truth claims made by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I first learned how to love and be part of a community within the carpeted walls of a Mormon chapel. I never pass up a chance to slurp down a bowl of green Jell-O. My name is Shawn Hall and I am a Mormon.